Over my two decades working in mental health, a series of words have consistently popped-up which seem to get in the way of progress. As you’ll see, many of my dirty dozen help us avoid responsibility, hide from fear and hold us back from a better life.

1. Should

The ‘S’ word. This is my favorite one to hate. ‘Should’ assumes there’s a universal correct way people and events need to turn out, as if everything is pre-ordained. Things should be a certain way. I should be a Sophomore, not a Freshman still. They should have invited me. Just because we don’t get what we want or need doesn’t mean there’s something wrong. Sometimes (…MANY times) things don’t work out. The world doesn’t owe us anything.

Alternative – I ‘wish’ I had been able to stay more focused on studying when I was a freshman. I’d ‘like’ it if they had invited me. Replace ‘should’ with an expression of what we desire.

2. Try

The ‘T’ word. ‘Try’ leaves open the possibility we will not accomplish something. While this sounds simply like thinking realistically about the outcome of something, it’s a psychological tool we unknowingly use to avoid responsibility if we don’t get something done. I tried to upload my paper but couldn’t get Canvas to work. I tried emailing the professor but the internet was down. I’m trying not to drink but it’s just too hard.

Alternative – While it’s really tempting to think the replacement for ‘Try’ is something like I ‘will,’ but don’t fall for it. I ‘will’ is only appropriate if you’ve got a magic ball. The better replacement is I ‘did.’ Comment on what has been done or not done rather than promising the future.

3. Fair

The only ‘F’ word I really care about. Yeah, of course we could say ‘Well, son, life’s not fair!’ Yeah, but it’s important to break this down a bit more. Saying something is not ‘fair’ presumes things need to be equal, just and following an expected script. ‘Fair’ presumes there’s a contract the world agreed to with us. If I work hard, I’m owed something. If my sister got a new car when she graduated, I should get a new car when I graduate. Sounds like a contract. Sounds transactional.

Alternative – Instead of ‘fair’ how about commenting on how you felt when you didn’t get what you wanted or needed. I feel disappointed I didn’t get a car. I feel frustrated my parents seem to privilege my sister over me.

4. Expect

A big part of my practice is teaching students and their parents that most suffering comes from the gap between our expectations and our reality. If I expected a client to be thrilled with one of my amazing insights but instead they looked at me with utter confusion, I’d suffer (or at least feel disappointed) and take it personally.

Alternative – Instead of talking about expectations for a class, a professor or how a semester will unfold, try thinking and speaking in the language of goals. Expectations are attachments. Goals are intentions, compass headings, something to aim for but not attach to.

5. Upset

I’ll make this one quick. ‘Upset’ is not a feeling, it’s something that happens to apple carts or chess boards when little kids toss them.

Alternative – Change ‘Upset’ to ‘mad’ or ‘angry’ or ‘sad’ or ‘hurt.’ These are feelings and communicate more specifically how you felt in a situation.

6. Balance

There isn’t really balance in the world or nature. There’s definitely not much balance in our lives, even the happiest or most satisfied among us don’t experience balance. Balance is for scales and tires. Life is a pendulum. Balance isn’t the goal. Avoiding the extremes of the swing is what makes a great life.

Alternative –  Recognize the swing. Acknowledge the highs and lows. Observe the pain and happiness. Learn to sit with it all.

7. Starving

It’s more than hyperbole. When I have students say they were starving, I’ll typically ask them to clarify. Not because I’m stupid and don’t know what it means to ‘starve’ but because part of my job is to challenge and improve clients’ distress tolerance. ‘Starving,’ while innocent enough, is an indication of laziness. It’s a simple example of not thinking in a nuanced way. None of my clients are starving. They’re hungry or bored or lonely or tired. Challenging them to scan and explain what they’re actually feeling and thinking teachers them to slow down and observe.

Alternative – Rather than say you’re starving (or dying) use more specific feeling words that can be helpful in solving the immediate dilemma. 

8. Literally

Most of the students I work with talk about being ‘literally dead,’ ‘literally tired,’ or ‘literally starving.’  They’re not. They use the term ‘literally’ for emphasis. It’s lazy and not effective at communicating what they are actually feeling and thinking.

Alternative – I encourage clients to to drop ‘literally’ and use more accurate language. It’s takes the client being observant of what they are thinking and feeling. 

9. Always

Students regularly say things ‘always’ happen to them or they ‘always’ feel a certain way. I challenge them to describe more specifically how often things actually happen. I challenge them to consider why they refer to things ‘always’ happening. Is it because it feels like that thing or situation is constant? Is it expected? This makes them consider how they expect things in their life will go and how they’ll feel. ‘Always’ allows us to lead a life unchallenged and hide.

Alternative – When do you feel that way (be specific)? When have people hurt you (be specific)? Most questions you ask likely has more detail and nuance if you just don’t allow for ‘always’ to be the answer. 

10. Never

Same as with ‘always’ – ‘never’ is often used too easily and provides an over-simplistic description of whatever we’re facing. ‘I’ll never find someone to love me!’ That’s 100% fear speaking and not necessarily based on objective analysis of one’s life.

Alternative – Be specific.  Describe the feelings and thoughts – ‘I’m afraid no one will ever love me!’

11. Need

The word ‘need’ is so often confused with ‘want.’ At the risk of sounding like one of those cratchity old farts that thinks all young people are snowflakes, I do believe that kids are taught (unintentionally of course) that their wants and needs are indistinguishable from each other.

Alternative – Real simple on this one … use the word ‘need’ for stuff at the bottom of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs pyramid (eg. food, shelter, clothing, water). Use the word ‘want’ for everything else you desire. 

12. Can’t

And now for the last of our naughty words. ‘Can’t’ sometimes means ‘won’t’ … but not always. When people say they can’t do something like get a job or do improve their GPA … these are examples of ‘can’t-means-won’t.’ Students want things to be better. They want a better GPA. They want that job lined-up for after graduation. They, more accurately are saying they don’t know how or don’t have the motivation to do the hard stuff necessary to get what they want. Sometimes, can’t really does mean can’t. Jumping across a 20 ft gap between two buildings? Yeah, I can’t do that. For most of us, ‘can’t’ is the lazy way of expressing fear or some other uncomfortable feeling about a process or outcome we want.

Alternative – Replace ‘can’t’ with ‘How.’ How can I improve my GPA? How can I get a job?